Heal Me

J Kahele

 

 

Since my father passed away, I awoke in a frenzied panic. For twelve years I lived with the fear, that something had happened to my husband or girls, in the middle of the night, while I slept. That onsetted into stress. Whether it was having to fill out papers for the my daughters schools, pay household bills, or simply going to work, I worried and stressed everyday for twelve years.

Let me give you a little insight of how I think. I was that person who kept the old refridgerator, because I was afraid a new one would not work the way the one I had would. I kept a broken bed frame, that I constantly stubbed my toe on because I was afraid to let it go. In my mind old was stable and new was not. 

One day, I hit that frame, painfully hard, so hard, I thought my foot was broken. Without another thought, I ripped that frame out from under the mattresses and threw it out. It was a simple solution to a never-ending problem. My mattresses didn’t desencrate, the floor didn’t cave in. Nothing changed. In fact, it was better, I no longer had to fear the metal teeth of the iron monster reaching out to snap off my toe. So, why did I keep it? Fear.

I had convinced myself, that frame was the stability of my bed and so even broken, I kept it for stability. Because change to me, meant death. I had already experienced a loss and I never wanted to experience that again.

Every single bad thing that a husband could do to his wife, happened to me. So, why would I hold on to someone like that?

In my head, he was like that frame, my stability. But that was never true and I didn’t realize it, until I woke up this morning calm. I was not worried, stressed, in fear of loss, for once, my mind was clear and I saw the truth. I saw me. I was and had always been the stability for me and my girls. I worried because I had to, I stressed, because I cared. I knew I was all we had and knew one day, I would be right here in this position, right now. Because he gave no foundation, he never worked towards bettering any of our lives, he lived and breathed for himself. It‘s when all the bitterness, melted away. How could I hate him, for my fears? I couldn’t. I had to face the reality that I allowed it all, knowing from the start, it would end this way.

I learned, everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t gone through all the tragedies of my life, I would have never understood, the meaning of today and how every day was a gift, tomorrow never promised. To grab and hold tight, onto the ones who will always be there for you. Love those who love you back. I am lucky, because for all the loss I have suffered, for all those that have traveled in and out of my life. There are three perfect human beings, who accept and love me for me. They are and will always be the loves of my life.

 

 

Comments

2018-02-01 16:21:25 - J Kahele
Awww thanks Dave❤️
2018-02-01 16:17:08 - Dave Hart
My God Janelle, I'm so sorry for the things you had to endear in life, your blogs are an amazing read, you are a gifted writer no doubt.I hope you find happiness in your life and someday meet the man that can give you and your girls the love and care you deserve.
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