Heal Me

J Kahele

Pre-warning: This is going to be an angry rant, and from the heart. Because it's through my words, I heal and right now I need to  vent.

I swear to god when I married this man, I had to have been on some crazy drugs. Because no normal adult father or man did the things this man did. What made it worst, the bimbo, he cheated with, had no more maturity or brains than the inconsiderate narcissist, I had three children with. (Psst...inbox me for her name and I will gladly give it to you), Haha just kidding, not!

Through this whole process, he controlled everything. He picked and chose what he would pay for, when it concerned my children and he pick and chose what immoral actions he would promote.

People didn't understand what I meant by he walked. I meant, he walked. There wasn't a morsel of food in the fridge. Yet, he had a cozy place to stay. I had two children at home, that I had to worry about, supporting. I had no job for five months, and  he  validated it by saying, there was no good time, to walk out on your family? Well buddy, I think making sure your wife had a job and your kids had food, probably would have made your excuse more valid. Did he care? Nope. I was forced to take a loan from my sister to help support my girls, until I found a job.

Everything he did I took. He promised my youngest he would pay her car insurance, told me not to worry about the bill, that he would take care of it, if she could get her license. The problem was it wasn't about her. It was about his Facebook, and his need to flash pictures of him being the doting father, that he wasn't.  Because when time came to pay the bill, he dropped it in my lap. I  wonder how his fan base would feel, if they found out the real truth? 

The divorced dragged on because of him and only him. It was all about money, how he could get out of paying less for everything. He even tried to get my daughter to agree to 50/50 custody, so he wouldn't have to pay child support, not like I had seen a dime in two years, but he was a loving, good father? He stopped paying the medical for my girls, I took that on. He refused to pay the car insurance for my youngest, I took that on. He refused to pay for anything for my youngest, I took that on and he had the nerve to tell me, that his life was getting better? Well if I didn't have to pay for my kid, my life would be fantastic too!

I tried my best to point out his immoral actions to my girls, but he twisted my two oldest minds, so terribly, the didn't know right from wrong. In the end, the pressure of his actions, emancipated me from both of them. He had told my girls, that he wasn't responsible for their relationship with me, that it was up to me. Yet, any argument I had with them, he had his two cents to throw in. You see, I kept out of his relationship with them, but he made sure to put his nose deep into my business. Any chance he got to call me out, or call me names, he took advantage of it. Even if what the hell he said was the most outrageous thing ever, exaggerated to a point where I wondered if we were talking about the same thing. Who gets off on getting between a mother and her children?

After he revealed the cheating, I asked him one thing. To wait for the divorce, before introducing this tramp to my girls. But again, the narcissistic bastard didn't even give me that.

You would think, that he would want to make up to his girls, his wife, for walking out on us broke, for cheating and putting my youngest into a fatherless world. I deserved it and they deserved, some civility and class,  to end the marriage, that created three children with a signed paper. You would think, right? Nope because you see in his world, that was not morally acceptable.

His excuse, was that it's been a year. So investing over twenty years, having three children, ends up with me having zero money, the mortgage payment to the house, the complete financial responsibility of my youngest and no rights to say what is good or not good for my children. 

What man did this shit? He allowed a woman to step into my shoes, before they were emptied.  He gave some stranger, more respect than his kids mother. He caused the trust value I had in my daughter to be shaken. To make matters worst, this woman was a mother and a mortgage broker. So she was that woman, who smiled at those starting families buying homes, who probably bragged about her children and how wonderful her family was. When actually, she was an online predator, who went after a married man, not caring what damage she brought on. What in the fuck happened to good people with strong morals?

I found out that her children didn't know the supposed boyfriend, my husband,  she had been carrying on a sexual relationship with for over a year, was very married. So my girls because they were a little older, deserved it and hers didn't? How would she feel if I approached her children and told them, that out of millions of single and divorced men, she chose to chase after a married man? And throw herself on my daughter, when I told her to back off. Yeah, how would she feel about that? Lucky for her, I had class and a heart and would never subject any child to being a scar in their life. To damage any child, was disgusting and unnecessary. No excuse for it, ever.

The damage this woman had done to my youngest, was irreversible. The damage this woman had done between my oldest daughter and me, was irreversible. The irony of it all was that  she did it knowingly and willingly. Who the fuck did she think she was? My ex had the audacity to blame my oldest's curiosity. That was Mr. Pretenda man's MO, everyone was to blame for everything accept for him.  Any sane adult, with sense and morals, would have never allowed that option in the first place. 

You mess with one of my daughters, you messed with me. I was not a coward. I didn't hide. I went straight to this disgrace of the female race and splashed my feelings all over her wall, asking if she did this often, if she made it a habit, to chase down married men and break you girls hearts. It wasn't the most immature action to take, but I was sick of dealing with a ghost of a woman, who seemed to impact my life, through my children. 

My ex texted the posts, I put on his tramps wall,  to my youngest, looking for sympathy. Again, what father sends the messages to the child who was devastated by the cheating,  told him over and over again, she didn't want anything to do with her and yet he expected her to what, care? Well she laughed and I was so proud of her over that. She was allowed to stand by her own morals and feelings and not allow him dictate them for her. Do you know, he had the audacity to say to me, "Your toxic."

Hmmm. The man abandoned his family, broke. Filed on his wedding date. Cheated. Promoted a cheater. Tried to shove this woman down my youngests throat, scarred my middle daughter who came into his house to find her there, introduced her to my oldest daughter, and I was toxic? 

I wished I could say this was the end...but there  was more. I had the opportunity of working more hours through my job. I needed the money. I tried to switch weekends with him and suddenly I was being threatened with him seeking 50/50 custody of my daughter. Because I wanted the opportunity to have a weekend with my daughter, I was bad. No. It was because it interrupted the weekend his mistress had open. See her children go to their fathers, and they had worked it out so that my daughter went to his house the same weekend. How fucking convenient, that a woman who had no class to show her face, impacted my ability to make money. What was more disturbing, was that he was claiming to want 50/50 custody of my daughter, who by the way is seventeen and will be eighteen in eight months, but couldn't even switch weekends?

And guess what? Yep. There was more. When he walked out, I watched my youngest, turn into a different person. I watched her change friends, become more introverted and make mistakes, that I never thought in a million years, she would make. I pleaded with him for help and he ignored it. He made excuses, blamed me for her actions and took no responsibility for his action. My two oldest, lived their life, ignoring all that was happening to her. I didn't blame them, for separating themselves, they needed their time to heal in their own way. I took her to counseling, leaned on my family for help, but when your father continues to bring you a world, you never wanted to live in, it never gets better. A child doesn't want to watch her family detonate and that was exactly what happened. This wasn't a man who walked out because of a bad relationship, this was a man who walked out and left destruction in his path, without consideration for what it did to everyone else. It was very hard for her to watch him treat me like I was nothing and admit to her over and over, that I wasn't. I was her mom. I was the one who told her all the bad, the one who held her through all the hurt and the one who put her first on my list. I was the parent who left work, on the days she was so upset, she couldn't function through school. I was the parent, who uplifted her and told her to rebuild her life and think about what makes her happy. I had been there through her up and downs, through my up and downs and did my best to help through it. I wasn't perfect. In fact, I was far from perfect.

I was fighting my own emotions of the emotional abuse he laid on me, for years and trying to come to terms with the bad choice, that not only hurt me, but my children. I hurt for me. I hurt for them. This had dragged on for two years. I was tired. I had missed the event my employer through in Florida, and took the opportunity to stay home and watch her dogs. I hired my second oldest daughter, to stay with my youngest and traveled back and forth between homes.

The alone time, gave me time to think deeply and I reflected on all that had happened and I broke. I felt so bad for my children, I felt so bad for myself. But mostly, I blamed me. I was the issue. I cried for days, sitting in that house, so badly my eyes barely opened in the morning. The pain was so excruciating, I couldn't handle it. Life had been so hard. I felt like a failure. My girls continued to battle with all the things he would do and I continued to work harder than a normal woman of my age had to. I was worn physically and emotionally and my sanity had reached it's end. I didn't want to live anymore. I was tired of fighting for my girls, tired of trying to establish some moral code to help them in the future. My daughters didn't understand why, I couldn't get over it. I was over it. But I couldn't get over the things he continued to do. I lived this life before and I know what happened in the future, the burden my girls would carry. The scars that would reopen as they raised their own family. They watched their own father, treat their mother worthlessly, voice ridiculous lies, twist and manipulate the wrong and I knew one day it would haunt them. He didn't think about them. He didn't think about the things that they watched him do to me purposely. I did nothing. Nothing. I vented. I sent him horrific emails, but my actions didn't show the world how unimportant I was to him. I didn't bring men around my daughter, I talked online and left it there.  I did my best to get through it. And tried my best to make life better for me. Now, I had to face a future with him bringing a woman around me, that humiliated me, took my choices of what I wanted to teach my girls away. I had to deal with two heartless idiots who had no care for what this did to my children? I didn't want to do it. So what do I do now? Make my girls choose between me and him? Her and me? How long would that last, before they would accept it and I would forced around this woman who had no care for my life, my children? Then he was going to raise two kids, when he never raised his own? That was not a future I wanted, but then again, he never gave me any choices, did he? And I was suppose to expect he would change? No. 

I thought about suicide many times during this long process. I tried to justify it, by saying that maybe, if I weren't here, my daughters lives would be better. I thought about running far, far away. But both options were not feasible. I had lost a parent and had a parent walk away, and the devastation still affected me today. I couldn't lay that on my children. So I did the next best thing, I reached out to my ex and signed the papers. For two reasons, one because the court date was on my father's birthday and I didn't want to taint his memory with my divorce, and two it was time to let it go.

Easy, huh? Nope. Not only did he not hand the papers in, he made me attend court on my father's birthday and had no qualms in the emotional affect it had on me. This man had no heart. 

The weakness I felt, dissipated when I walked into that courtroom that day. I was not sure what I would do, until I saw his face. The smirk on it made the hurt I had tucked away from two years, ignite into a blazing ball of rage. His attorney walked up to me with papers in his hands and I shooed him away and kept walking until I was face to face with the judges secretary. I requested more time, to get an attorney. As I hadn't one. I had released my attorney because the fees had broke me. But now, I didn't care if I had to work 24/7, to pay for it, I was not signing that day. He was done taking away my choices. I felt the anger and hurt release when the secretary rescheduled, the court date.

 

I believed that day, my dad was with me,  the moment I walked into that courtroom, he gave me the support and courage to finally stick up for myself and not allow this man to take another choice away from me.

I hired an attorney and signed the papers on March 26, 2018. I was done. He tried to tell me I had to go to court, but my attorney reassured me, that would not happened. The last thing I wanted to do was be around a man as low as him, ever again. The bullying he had done to me, for two years was over. Because  that weak woman he had taken advantage of, was no longer going to crawl into a corner and die. I was going to fight, for my rights, for the right of my children and what they deserved. For the right of all women, who had been treated so poorly by a disturbed man, who had no care but for himself.  Who had turned his childrens world into a life of hell, because he could.

 

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