Heal Me

J Kahele

I am spent. After a night of senseless texting, back and forth with my ex, I am so done.

When you suffer emotional abuse of any kind there are certain things, that will "trigger," you. Mine are my girls. When I feel like he is doing harm to them, I explode!

My youngest daughter, suffered the most through this terrible ordeal. She was only a freshman, when he walked out. Being the youngest and having a father who traveled, she didn't grow up, enjoying or knowing what it was like for a father to be around. So when he left, it destroyed her.

I worked hard to stabilize her and still do now. I help her to focus on what is important and what is not. I coddle her and do whatever she needs me to do.

She is extremely smart and has a very bright future ahead of her. She is in the last semester of her junior year and I have started researching colleges to help make sure she is able to choose. It helps me to do this for her, because I want her life to filled with exploring new things and taking advantage of all the opportunities offered to her. But, in order to do that in this time and age, you need a good education.

One day a week, she goes to dinner with her father. He has no clue about what it takes to put your child in college. Because I did it for my other two. It's researching and finding scholarships for months, so that don't have the worries of not being able to attend the college they want, due to financial reasons.

It is the week of mid-terms. Every morning my daughter text me. But this morning she didn't. So I texted her and asked her why she didn't contact me and she said she stayed late at her fathers and was almost late for school. I read it again. I didn't feel anger, I felt fear. With good reason. My ex had no qualms in setting my girls up for failure. He did it with the other two and now he was doing it with my youngest. He had always made up his own rules, to fit what he wanted, not caring the long lasting affects it had on my girls.

I really wanted to let that go.

I should have let it go.

But I couldn't let that go. 

I was very nice in my email to him. Straight and to the point. Even, I was surprised at how well I was able to email him without one sarcastic comment. You would think he would be considerate to that, but not him. He came at me hard. Telling me basically, he was going to do what he wanted and that I needed to get off his back and stop blaming him for everything wrong. Not once in that email did I blame him. It was obvious that his conscience was working over time. It turned into a back and forth hateful rant. Ugh! All over me asking him to please stick to the schedule. To please think of my daughter. Why does life have to be so hard, all the time with this man. When will he stop. 

When will it ever end....

For hours, we went back and forth and I kept trying to make myself stop. I didn't want this. I wanted it to be calm. I switched tactics and started to tell him the good things I use to feel about him. That was my biggest mistake.

It gave him an opening.

He began emailing so fast, I couldn't read the first one before the second one was coming. The things he were saying were scrambled up so much, it took me a few minutes to really understand. But then I did. Dear God, this man thought I was trying to get him back! I had never in my life felt more humiliated and degraded when he assumed that. How could this man be so delusional to think after all he did and still does that I would want him? 

I broke down and cried. Another scar added to the collection of heartbreak and disappointment, I had stored inside of my mind over the years of being with him. I was so afraid of him believing there was any option of reconciliation, so I lied. I straight out lied and told him I was engaged. But then I became angry that he would do this to me and I raged and raged, spewing words of hate for him.  It was so wrong for me to lower myself to the level he was at. So wrong.

 

 

The biggest issue between us was that,  I had a compassionate heart and a big conscience. He didn't.

After my many emails of degradation, I felt ashamed for who allowing him to bring the wolf out in me, causing me to shower him with awful words, used to only hurt.

I freely admit to emailing him in the beginning, awful words of degradation, releasing the pain that he had brought down on me. But I worked hard to fix that and myself. It was disappointing that I was now back to that point. I was again allowing him to twist me back into that dysfunctional world, I no longer wanted to live. 

When does it truly ever end.

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