Heal Me

J Kahele

I had written in a previous post, how I had signed divorced papers and how sad I was about being divorced. As usual, I spoke to soon. When you deal with a narcissistic abuser, everything is unpredictable. Narcissists are control freaks, whether they beg you for something or not, they always need to control the outcome.

Before I go any further, let me explain my real reasoning for signing those papers and pressuring them to get filed. One was because I wanted to be done with this man, but the second and most important was because our trial was set on my father's birthday. My father was my rock. When he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I never imagined the emotional strain it caused, watching someone you love, die in that fashion. It was his death, that sparked the life of hell I would live for twelve years. I didn't have support, like most women.  I was degraded, ignored, forced to raise my children alone, while he traveled and worked harder than anyone should. Of course, I fell apart. Who wouldn't. But then again, I lived with a narcissist for years who only cared about himself.

I am sure you figured it out. He never filed the papers. So I had to appear in court. My sister and youngest daughter were enraged by his lack of compassion, not for me, but for my father, any normal person who had a heart would be angered by it. I wasn't. I expected it. 

My daughter wanted me to fight to have the date changed, when I called they said it was impossible, so I sucked it up and accepted that my divorce would be on my father's birthday.


I pushed the doors open of the court room and my face felt flushed. It was as if a heating vent blew on my face, at full blast. I saw him and his attorney and as I walked towards the attorney, this anger from nowhere took over me. The attorney babbled about me signing something and I responded, I am not signing shit and the rushed up to the clerk. I had talked to an attorney a few weeks earlier, but never hired her, because i wanted to settle. But when I stood in front of the clerk to check in. I told her i would like to reschedule and she said it was impossible, because you cannot reschedule trials. I had two sets of divorce papers in an envelope I had brought, which I had thought of taking the first ones out, but ran late and forgot about it. It sparked an idea, something inside of me changed, my voice blurted out words without thinking, showing the two separate papers, and added I was hiring an attorney and did not want today to be my signing. She smiled at me as if she knew, what an asshole my ex was. I had seen this woman a few weeks earlier, and she had advised me on how to represent myself. 

See, you can get a new trial if you are in possession of falsified documents. Two separate divorce papers written up by the same lawyer, with a judges name on it, is illegal. So I got my date changed and was sent out to the courtroom to sit and wait. A few days earlier, my youngest had told me how her dad, asked her when she was meeting his new galpal. It upset her, because she had asked him never to speak her name, or talk about it. It upset her so bad, she told me about it. One thing led to another and when it was all said and done, I was receiving a message about how bad and miserable I was, for basically telling him he was immoral, damaging his child, stepping over the line. It didn't phase me, nothing phased me with this man. He dished it out, I rolled it off my shoulders and basically moved on. He didn't get that his words were useless, his actions showed the typical controlling abusing maniac. Well, sorry buddy, that you don't know right from wrong and your daughter does. Anyone with good morals, knew this man was a hypocritical jackass, to think his child who you teach loyalty, manners and to be a good person, wouldn't expect her father who by the way was still married to her mother, to get in a relationship, more or less, expect his daughter to open her arms to this woman. Yep. I lost brain cells even attempting to take all that in.

Anyways, back to the courtroom. I was sitting in the back and he was sitting towards the front. His attorney started berating me and he was laughing, I mean right in front of my face. Ignorant and immature. I should have let it go. I wanted to let it go. I didn't let it go. I shouted out, "Don't talk about me while I'm sitting right here, it's rude!" They laughed, I rolled my eyes and they left. I did get reprimanded for yelling in the court, but hell it was worth it, if it made them leave. It sickened me to be in the same room with the man, more or less to have to stare at that stupid dark blue suit, he bought years ago, that is so outdated and overused. 

The clerk brought me the paper changing my trial date and I left. I was standing in the elevator. When this heat rose up my neck. Then this familiar odor filled the elevator. Then it hit me. OMG! The odor was the cologne my father wore and the warmth. Very explainable. When my father would get angry, his face would turn beet red. 

I couldn't help but smile. My dad was with me. It was him who pushed me to fight for a court date change. He knew I didn't want my divorce today and he helped me to stop it.

Oh and that heat, had my feet pounding the pavement, next door to the Friend of The Court. Yep. My dad was guiding me to do what was right, as always, when I falter, my father was my rock.

I worked a half of a day, after court and then went to the mausoleum in the cemetery, where my father was. For years, I had a hard time, everytime seeing his name scribbled on the marble front of where his final resting place was. I would cry like a baby, feeling the way I did when I first lost him. 

But today was different, today I talked to him. I told him about what I had been going through and how hard it was not having him there to comfort me. I didn't know what happened, but I felt this contentment, when I voiced my words, like I always did when he was still alive and listened to my problems. 

My father was an amazing man, with high morals, and integrity. He wasn't perfect, the man was as stubborn as an ox, but when I needed him, he was there.

The only man a girl can depend on is her father. That is expect for my kids father, he was not the protective, caring type. I was and it was why I considered myself, mother and father.

I stayed for a few hours, before driving home. My daughter had a college class that night and strolled in a few minutes later. We chatted and she asked about court. I told her it was postponed and she said oh I know dad told me that. It threw me off. That meant he texted her at school. This was a big deal, because not even a few days earlier, he berated me for texting her at school, even though, she was at home.

Getting back to her dad's text. He told her it was a good day, because the court date was postponed. Are you kidding me? This man tried to take credit for postponing a court date, he had nothing to do with? But see, this was where he screwed up. My daughter knew it was all me. Because she was the one, along with my sister, to push me to do it.

So...the drama continues....

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