Heal Me

J Kahele

 

For the longest time, I thought I had intimacy issues. It wasn’t until my counseling sessions, that I learned I was unique. A modern-day woman with old-fashioned morals. I believed in romance, holding hands, late night walks, but mostly I believed that sex and love were one in the same and that you should not have one without the other.

In the fifties that sort of thinking was normal, but in this day and age it’s unheard of, especially when a relationship ends. It’s hard enough to detach emotionally, but to detach physically was even harder when your mind thought the way, mine did.

For almost three years, after my marriage ended, I was loyal to my ex-husband which prevented me from doing anything, involving the opposite sex. My friends and family practically begged me to go on dates through my divorce, to have casual sex, to help detach his hold on me. I was not one to lead a person on, if I was not into you, I was not into you. I refused to date anyone and hope that things would progress. It was either there or not. Besides, I was still deeply in love with my ex, right? Wrong.

If you have been following my story from the beginning, you will know what I have been going through for the last few months, and won’t have to read on. But those who just tuned in, I will do a quick summary.

Nearly two years ago, I met a man online who I didn’t realize at the time, would be a key factor in changing the direction of my life.

My first impression. He was very hyper, odd and at times a bit too goofy. But overall, he was one of the many men online that were genuinely nice. The only downside, I learned quickly to never drink coffee or anything liquid when opening his messages. He was overly spontaneous and I never knew what to expect when his name pinged on my messenger and if I didn’t want to be wearing what I drank, I needed to keep it away when reading his stuff.

Our messaging was here and there at first. Weeks could go by before we would interact online. But no matter what, we both made an effort to reach out to each other and as time went on our messages became more frequent.

I began to entrust him with personal secrets, I had never told anyone. His best attribute was he listened and never judged what I did or how I did things, regardless if I was in the wrong or not. He became one of my most trusted confidants online.

It was probably September 2018, when my feelings for him began to change. I found myself constantly checking messenger, to see if he was online and when he sent me a message, I dropped whatever I was doing to answer him. Our messages began to be more about our feelings and less about outside topics. It frightened me the way I felt about him and I fought it hard. I didn’t want to fall in love or be attached to anyone again. But in the end, I fell madly in love with the goofball online.

We began to call on the phone and text each other. But after a while it wasn’t enough for either one of us, so I made the trip out to see him.

The first time I laid eyes on him, I called, “The wow moment.” A moment that I will forever cherish and keep in my heart. Because it was true what Reba and Vince said, “the heart won’t lie.” I might not have all the answers to life or love, but I could say for certain, I had never felt so strongly for a man as I did him and probably will never feel that way for anyone again. He was that guy, the one who made me smile, gave me butterflies every time he looked at me and whose kisses made me weak.

The one, I saw forever with.

The minute he touched me all attachment to my ex-husband was gone and I completely became his. Those three months were probably the best months of my life. If my life ended tomorrow, I could honestly say I felt what real love was with him.

I wished I could say that things with the him worked out, but sadly, they didn’t. I have come to terms that what we once had was gone and the best thing for both of us was to move forward, without each other.

Still, here I was physically attached again. The easiest cure for me would be to go out and find someone to remove that attachment. But what if it wasn’t about sex, what if the only thing that would release me emotionally or physically from him....was simply love?

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